CLAR Disease, Explained

After exposing TDS (Teen Daughter Syndrome) and its brutal effects on dads, I was annoyed that TDS didn't bother my wife. Not even a little. It's like having a cold, being grateful my wife doesn't have it, but still being vaguely resentful that she's heatlhy. So, at the pinnacle of maturity, I cast about for things or people that do vex my wife...a startling moment of marital self-awareness caused me to search for other people that vex my wife.

Then it came to me, in a cascade of memories, splashed with pictures of burned counters, rusty tools, executed dolls, dirt clod wounds and broken windows.

It is none other than Clueless Like A Rock (CLAR) Disease. It is the yawning chasm between actions and consequences that boys try to gap with energy. It is choice without consideration. As a boy, it is fun.

Yes, it exists. I am not making it up. Ask any mom if their son has ever done anything she didn't understand. I am guessing she will not say " Why yes. Little Thayer totally lost me explaining quantum physics before naptime". More likely, it will be "Why does Jeff like to eat mud?" "Tommy won't keep his pants on" "My son breaks his toys, but plays with the Tupperware" "Why is everything a gun?" "He doesn't talk, he grunts" "He climbs everything, then tries to jump".

This is indeed a cruel dilemma for the mother: she deeply loves and cherishes her son, and yet wonders if he will ever be normal (read "like a girl"), if other mothers' sons are feral like hers. Would it really be wrong to sedate him until he was 18? Will she be marked among mothers as the failure, the only one not able to teach her boy manners, to remain clothed, to not say everything on his mind as it enters his mind at the top of his lungs? What has she done to deserve this? She ate right, listened to classical music and read books without pictures to her son during pregnancy. What did she get? A hyperactive, spitting, climbing, running, chasing, relentlessly curious boy.

Good news, moms. CLAR is not fatal. Just keep the lad away from electricity until he is at least 12.

Here's a hint for coping with CLAR: every man you know had it. Some worse than others. From this pool of hyperactive testosterone came US Presidents, artists, cooks, authors and possibly your husband.