Keep Your Man Card. I'll Just Be A Man

I am absolutely furious, enraged. If I owned anything, I would throw it through a window. I might just go to my friend's house and pitch his stuff out his window. He'll understand.

Swirling bits of boy talk have been annoying me, like gnats at my ears. Deep voices coming from twenty-something gym rats with half-shaven faces and mussed hair.

"I almost lost my man card!". "If I did that, dude, they'd take my man card".

"Don't tell anyone I like that music - they'd snatch my man card". Has the male gender gone union? If you don't have the card, you don't belong? Please tell me that an entire generation of pretty boys is not so lost as to need a card to validate them. To give them confidence.

I walked into conversation between several male co-workers, aged 20 to 35. The normal laughing and joking. Then the man card came up. That piqued my interest. So I asked "What's a man card?

"Shocked silence, then disappointment. I got what they were saying, but still couldn't understand how someone else could take it away.

"If you do something girly, they take your man card away!""Like what? Wear pink?"

"No...well yeah, probably for that." Nods all around for wearing pink. "What about liking art?"

"Definitely for that! And hugging anyone but your girl friend?!" Once again consensus was reached by the jury of manhood. "Chick flicks?" I asked. Now I was just having fun. The jury howled in disgust.

"Oh, yeah. Number one killer, there.

" Pointing at the skinny redheaded kid, "So, someone, like say you, could take my man card?" Slight confusion, but then the ranks closed again.

"Yeah, we like you and all, but it's our duty to keep you in line if you go chick on us". Universal head bobbing.

Now I was angry. They believed in the man card like a 6-year old putting his tooth under a pillow and waiting for the tooth fairy.

My tone elevated slightly.

"So if I'm hearing you right, being married for twenty-five years to the same woman, raising four magnificent children, starting several businesses, enduring Army Airborne and Ranger training, surviving combat in the desert, keeping my word even when it costs me - that all means I need your man card?" I didn't mean to be yelling at the end, but sometimes it just happens.

Silence. Defensive stuttering. Missed phone calls to answer. Gotta go.

They didn't get it. At all.

For you pretty boys out there, pull that stupid thing out of your ear. And stop texting. Pull up your saggy jeans and give me eye contact.

First of all, it's not your fault you think manhead can be kept in your wallet. Your father and grandfather just looked the other way and hoped you would stumble across what took them years to discover. Or worse yet, maybe they just never found it themselves. Or they never showed up to show you how it worked.

Second, your buddies are at least as clueless as you are. I know you're warm and fuzzy hanging with buddies who dress, look and sound like you. But they don't give a rat's butt about you. How do I know? Because they will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat if it means they look better or helps them avoid anything hard. And you know it. Your only consolation is that you would do the same to them.

Third, you choose manhood. It is not bestowed on you by a singer, professional athlete, your girl friend or some other tooth fairy. It is not a look, an income, a car or sex. Most shockingly, it is not being accepted by your friends. You choose. And you figure it out as you go. And you do it mostly alone, maybe blessed by a proven few who will go the distance with you.

To be straight, here's some signs of manhood:

Manhood rises to the top in bad times. Not because the guy has massive biceps and a chain gun. No, because he knows what to do and cares. He isn't hyperventilating into a paper bag while the world around him goes to hell in a Dixie cup. He walks more than he talks. He's solid.

Manhood sets the tone. No whining or gossiping. When things are bad, he doesn't say "It sucks to be you". He listens. If he can help, he does. If work is nasty, he's joking and talking smack, building you up. He positively changes the atmosphere in any room or group.

Manhood knows what's right, when it's right. And he acts on it. He has a Code that is old and unchanged. He is challenged by what is right, not by making people happy. He is comforted by being just and fair, not inconsistent and comfortable in the moment.

Manhood is confident. He is not a chameleon, changing skin to get out of telling the truth or getting approval. You know what to expect from him every day. He is not different at home vs work vs out with friends. He knows himself and is just fine. If you like him, great. If not, have a great day - somewhere else.

Manhood gives. He is strong enough to give of his time, money, talent and heart. He is not a fearful hoarder. He knows having broad shoulders is not just to make him look good in a t-shirt. It's to bear the load for someone younger, older, or lost. And he doesn't care if he gets the attaboy for doing it.

Finally, manhood is humble. He wants to learn from anyone. He will not limit his teachers to a narrow few who stroke his ego. He knows other men who are far more experienced, more solid than he. He listens with his mouth shut. Still more, he knows men who are weaker and younger, who are more honest about his shortcomings. He hears with gratitude, not posturing. He's o.k. with not being the smartest/strongest/richest guy in the room.

Some old guy told me this kind of stuff thirty years' ago. He really got on my nerves. Instead, I chose the school of hard knocks, on an arrogance scholarship. I had to repeat several classes. My bad. Maybe you're smarter than I am.

Ditch the man card. Just be a man.

You will stand out in a world full of boys.