The Call No Adult Child Wants To Answer

When you are older and your parents are old as dirt, you realize that they are mortal. They make weird sounds, can't chew, see, hear or walk without some extra equipment. Looping conversation about doctors, prescriptions and sleep patterns. Sadly, you envision that someday Mom or Pop may not be with you.



Then you get the call. The one that knots your stomach. Makes you push back your emotions so you can stay strong for the kids.



"Hi, sweetie. How are you?"



"Mom, what's wrong? You said you had something important to tell me...how bad is it?" Was it cancer? Did Uncle Louie finally die at the bar, like he always promised?



"I met someone I think you would like."



An anvil flying out of your refrigerator, striking your dog and transforming it into a grapefruit would suprise you less. Would a terminal disease been so bad?



"What do you mean, Mom?" You know your parents' divorce was rough. But you figured (like all simple-minded children of any age) that they would stay single forever.



"I met a nice man named Tony."



"Where did you meet him."



Pause.



"Mom, where did you meet him?"



"On E-Harmony on the World Wide Web..."



Her words trail off into the background. Your Mom dating? You feel a vague nauseous feeling climbing in your throat. On the Internet. What kind of cretin is dating your mother? Named Tony?



"He looks real good in jeans too, if you catch my drift." That catches your attention right quick and in a hurry. Mom took your silence as support of the whole idea and has been sharing all the gory details. The nausea is now ruling your world. Divert. Divert. Divert.



"Mom, I don't need to know that, believe me. I'm sure Tony's a nice guy. Cindy wanted me to ask if you were coming for Thanksgiving?"



"I'm glad you like him. He and his kids are coming with me to your place for the Holidays."



Apparently the phone is connecting two separate universes.



"Mom, 'his kids"? How many and how old?"



"They're cute as can be. Let's see: Tyler is 16, Mami is 13 and Rufus is 8. And their Rottweiler Angus is to die for!"



I've swung in 5 minutes from the death call of a parent to invasion of strangers. And your Mom is a cougar. Eewww.



"Mom, how old is Tony from E-harmony?" I try not enunciate too strongly the name Tony, but I feel ambushed. Isn't she supposed to live out her days in peaceful solitude, spread wisdom and joy from crocheted items?

"You, know sweetie, age is not the big a deal anymore. Why I saw a program the other-"

"A number, Mom. You're stalling"

"He's 49"

"Rat baskets! You're kidding me, right? He's not much older than me! Someone kick me in the head right now! Un-freakin-believable!"

She waits until I run out of breath from my frantic ranting.

"You want me to be happy don't you?" The quiet Mom voice. Clear, with overtones of guilt.

"Yeah, Mom, but-"

"And I sacrificed for you for years, didn't I?"

"Yeah."

"What time do you want us to show up on Thanksgiving? Also, Tony is allergic to wheat and likes his plates warmed. Try not to stare at Rufus. The wandering eye is getting better."

What do you do with that? Tune in next time for "Thanksgiving with Our Family. Bring a Gun"